Don't get it twisted. I love coffee. And I mean, LOVE it. I need it. But the problem is this. I fill it and drink half of it in the morning when it's fresh and hot. Then something inevitably comes up that requires me to abandon the half guzzled java and run off. Then the cup is found, later, and it's irritatingly cold. So I reheat it. Then it happens again. The next thing I know, it's lunchtime and I'm heating it for the final time and I just swiftly tip it back, like a 22 year old on Spring Break in Cancun.
I use this story to illustrate how disorganized my days are. I can't even finish the beverage that gets me started, for Pete's sake.
I've been doing this here "homemaker" thing full time for 17 months. And I'm terrible at it.
I'm a woman of routine and schedules. I believe this quality I possess made me a better teacher. (Though there are plenty of teachers out there who could give a rat's patootie about routines and they ran their classrooms just fine.) But for me, it gave me a sense of stability and purpose. And it governed my day. I could rest each night knowing I accomplished everything on my to-do list and it was done in an orderly fashion.
But not these days.
These days.
These here days I feel like I scurry around this house with no real objective (other than to keep us alive) and end up forgetting to do all the important things and only succeeding in passing the hours.
Here's what I want:
1. I want to have a set time to clean every day with a specific cleaning task (mop all the floors; dust all surfaces, etc.).
2. I also want some reserved activity times with my 17 month old. A time for free play and a time for structured play (puzzles; seasonal/holiday crafts; etc.).
3. And I absolutely insist on a quiet time for me to do my Bible Study.
This all has to be planned around mealtimes and the daily naptime. And should probably run from the time we wake up to the time when Daddy gets home. I'd love to have a nice little bulletin board set up with colorful posters and borders and.... oh my word, I'm getting too teacherly here. No bulletin board necessary, but some kind of schedule displayed in the house would be nice.
But none of the above gets done. What gets done is what is pressing at the moment. I allow too many distractions. The TV is probably on too much. And my phone definitely gets way too much of my attention.
Do you ever feel that way? (Lie to me if you don't.)
I do manage to feed my toddler 3 wholesome meals a day. And sometimes I get to eat too (don't get me started on this Mommy diet)! My husband gets a homemade meal each night. It's even healthy. Sometimes. I make sure the dishes are done promptly. And even though it sits in baskets all over the house, the laundry gets done every day. Every day, y'all.
But I can't seem to get everything else done. You know what I'm talking about. Mopping all them floors. Floors are everywhere. And they all need to be mopped or vacuumed! Gah! And dusting the dang ceiling fans. Why is there so much dust up there? And when it comes to my daughter, we play together, but I never dig out those puzzles that we gotta do together. And we don't ever go on walks anymore (mostly because it's freaking winter outside, for crying out loud). Or get out and do something fun together.
Why not? I tell myself things don't get done because it's too hard. There's just too much going on. My daughter goes to a Mother's Day Out twice a week. And I do a Bible Study twice a week. And then there's how my daughter is always flipping the script and changing her mind about when to eat and when to nap. I mean, c'mon. Can't I get some regularity from day-to-day? (not that kind of regularity, people) How am I supposed to make a schedule and establish routines when things are always changing?!
But is that the real problem? Nope. The real problem isn't that a schedule is hard to make. I can make a schedule. I can schedule the heck out of a day.
The real problem lies deep within me.
The real problem is motivation. And lack of confidence. Every time something changes around here, I lose confidence. I don't think I'm good enough. I think that I'm not cut out for this. Why is this so difficult for me? Why can't I be more resilient and flexible? It's like I'm not meant to be in this position.
But God placed me in this very place for a reason.
Even though I don't have enough faith in myself to be a homemaker, God does. He believes I can do it. And even though every day I think I've failed myself, and my family, and God, He still believes in me. After all, I get another chance in the morning when I wake up. "Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning." -Lamentations 3:23 Isn't that great? I may have messed up today, but tomorrow I can try again. As I hang my head in shame over how I've failed my family today, I can rest knowing that God has mercy on me and will give me another chance tomorrow. And he has great faith in me. In little ole me. To do this homemaker job. We all know I need His faithfulness and His mercy.
I just want to get up and look at each day on a spreadsheet. Here's what I need to do. Here's how I'll do it. And it will be done. Because much like when I was a teacher and had 28 children depending on me, I have a husband depending on me. And a daughter. Why is that not motivating enough?
I've tried lots of different ways to approach my days. I've made schedules. And to-do lists. And I've bought planners. Or printed out daily task sheets. I just can't find the motivation here. I half-heartedly glance over at my to-do list, sitting on my desk (next to my cold coffee, no doubt) and I dismiss it. I continue to sit on the couch and scroll through Pinterest looking at ways to decorate my dream house that is no where near in my possession while my daughter rides on her plastic pony or feeds her baby doll. I know I should do some puzzles with her. Or take her out for a walk. Or sweep the kitchen. Or dust the bookshelves. But lack of motivation keeps me stuck. I once heard that the only way to change the way you think is to change the way you think. Prayer is what starts the process of change.
And I don't pray enough about it. Heck, I can't even put deodorant on most days, much less any other habits. But let's be honest, praying doesn't have to be hard. I need to simply ask God to give me motivation. God, please give me motivation to be better.
I have all these big ideas and plans, but when it comes down to it, I'd rather sit on the couch and watch my daughter play in her pretend kitchen. I'd rather be blogging than cleaning during naptime. And on MDO days, I'd rather be running my personal errands than grocery shop. So basically what I'm saying is that I'm equal parts selfish and lazy. That's the real problem here, folks.
Ouch.
Reality is tough, y'all. And I don't like to feel convicted about my life. I look back at my years of teaching and I feel good about them. I feel like I did a good job. So one day when I look back at my years of staying home raising kids, I also want to feel good about them. I'll have to excuse these first 17 months when I literally have no idea what I'm doing. But maybe that ends right now. Maybe I can be the one to flip the script and say that things are changing around here. I'm going to get things done. I'm going to be productive and go to bed each night feeling good about my day again.
Can I get an amen?!
If you find yourself nodding your head in agreement as you read this (bless your heart), let's do this together. Let's start praying for motivation to be better. And then let's put our faith in God that He will deliver. Do you believe that you are in this position for a reason? Then your prayers should reflect that.
God, I have faith that you put me here at home for Your greater purpose. And I give You the glory for allowing me such a privilege! And now I ask You to fill me with motivation to be good at it.
And if you're saying the same prayer, I pray for you too.
This is powerful stuff people. I know that change is hard. Especially when you kinda don't want to change! I mean, I'd love to continue to sit on the couch most of the day and only spend about 2 hours cleaning and being a legitimate homemaker. But I know that's not right. That's not using this gift wisely. And it's a gift to be home. Don't for one second think it's not. It's a gift and a blessing. And we should see it as such. In fact, each day is a gift. And Annie Dillard was right: “How you live your days becomes how you live your life.” So each day that I spend on the couch quickly turns into my life on the couch. That's just plain scary to me. That's not how I want to spend my life. And it's certainly not the legacy I want to leave behind.
This post has really put me on a roller coaster. At first I was just doing a little complaining, then thinking, then feeling guilty, then an epiphany, and now reflecting. I've got prayers to pray and work to do. So I'm out here.
But I think I'll go reheat my coffee one final time... ;o)
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